A hard Christmas

This Christmas was a good Christmas, We went to my sister's apartment and decided to cook breakfast with French toast, bacon, and orange juice. Then we headed over to my Grandma's house to have a Christmas lunch with Turkey and all the good side dishes. We pulled out my Grandma's best China and crystal for the lunch, since my Grandma couldn't remember the last time she used them. You're reading this and wonder why I labeled this blog what I did. What has made this Christmas hard is that my grandma keeps saying this is going to be her last Christmas. We're waiting at the table for the food to come out, and my Grandma says "This is a sad Christmas, I don't know why but it just feels sad". So we go on our way with the lunch and have dessert. My Grandma never wanted us to "fight" over her stuff when she was gone so every time we come over we end up leaving with some things she has decided to give us. Even more so this Christmas, so I am left with these feelings like I am taking something that doesn't belong to me. We're sitting in the back room of the house and hugging my Grandma and she says "You know I've loved you since the moment you were born" and of course I start crying because she's talking like this. I told her how much I loved her too... And the conversation carried on with more talk that just made me cry harder. She wipes the tears from my face and says "I love you." In a way, she's checking out, meaning she's in her own way ready to go to her real Home.

Death is a part of the complete cycle of our lives, and it's not my fear of her dying that makes me cry. It's the feeling of not seeing her anymore, missing her spunky character and her back scratches. She's always been spunky, and that's what I have loved about her most. There's a lot of memories there from her. It's a hard Christmas because, partially, I don't know how to deal with these feelings. It was hard because I didn't want to think that this was going to be her last Christmas, I just wanted to enjoy being around her. We get in the car after leaving and I start crying again, Andrew says "Why do you have to make me cry?" So anyway, overall everybody was safe and we enjoyed each other's company so I couldn't have asked for a better Christmas..